soft armour
I like soft things I can sink into. Guitar strings, though they look and feel so harsh, whisper to us that not everything hard sounds heavy when touched with a soft soul. Through introspection, I’m learning how to unapologetically embrace my softness and choose kindness even if misinterpreted as inferiority. Kindness, softness, and sensitivity are often considered weak in the face of more fierce, bold and assertive leadership. Especially working in the D&I field, which already holds a stigma with some of being too idealistic, Utopian and “feel-good”, I felt as if my soft-spoken demeanour would only deter me from leading powerfully. Instead I’m learning that a soft armour dresses you in strength. There is a Taoist metaphor that I love, ‘Be Like Water’ and a favourite quote of mine, “Water is the softest thing, yet it can penetrate mountains and earth. This shows clearly the principle of softness overcoming hardness.” Below is a journal excerpt of one of my poems - a tribute to those of us who recognize that tenderness and kindness are manifestations of strength and resilience. Often no one knows the violence that it took to become this gentle. Living with PTSD & depression has maximized my self awareness, compassion and empathy. Kindness isn’t a natural-born trait, it’s a daily choice, so when you call someone kind you’re not praising their personality, you’re praising their effort. You get to make the choice every day, every interaction. Choose good things for the lives you touch. Choose good things for yourself.
journal excerpt:
you and I,
we are not so different,
we are soft,
we are soft,
and the world is hard,
we grow smaller to try
to protect our cocoons
from wrecking balls,
I know what it is like to
hide your bruises behind
closed doors, to bury your
nose in books and sarcasm,
to hurt like the end of a
fishing hook,
thinking you
can defend yourself with
jagged edges, you
are not alone,
but you
do not have to become hard
because the world hurts you
for being born flower petal
instead of thorn.
““J’aurais dû être plus gentille—I should have been more kind. That is something a person will never regret. You will never say to yourself when you are old, Ah, I wish I was not good to that person.”
When I reflect on my own life, the most memorable marks on me are the ones made by kindness when I expected cruelty. There is never any need for cruelty in any walk of life, profession or situation. Yes, be tough and have high expectations, nothing wrong with that. But It can be achieved without needing to use fear, intimidation or elitism.
A lot of people have been hardened by whatever cards they have been handed, whatever they have dealt with and that’s okay. And consequently, the majority of these people will react to circumstances, situations or even each other with coldness and hesitation. Experience or life’s troubles and regrets have left them a little selfish, mean or even manipulative. It’s all in order to be more self-protectant and aware. But just because it’s rare to come across people who are kind, so utterly and real– do not use the excuse of how much you’ve been hardened to undermine them, or second guess their nature. They exist. Not because their experiences have been any easier, but maybe because they’ve finally surpassed the stage of madness, spite and anger. They are finally at peace within themselves. You’ll meet people like this, let them in. Try not to exhaust them. But at least allow them to be close enough to your sharper edges because they are meant to soften you.
I truly believe softness and kindness is a sign we are healing our innermost turmoil and achieving a state of emotional intelligence where we can connect more compassionately with others. I think the root of all things is goodness and it is pure. But when people are hurt they hurt others. I do believe that all people deserve kindness. I’ve been tested with that a lot lately…when people are bad to me, I want respond with anger and it’s hard not to. But I only want to do that because they’re hurting me. If I just make myself realize before I react that they are just hurt, I don’t want to be hurtful in return.
I think we have to learn to forgive everyone for everything that they do because it’s never personal. It really is so important for people to realize that everything that a person does is because of what’s going on within that person. they’ve got their own world and you walk into it. Their reactions and actions aren’t about you, it is deeply about them.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean letting this person have the opportunity to treat you the same way. I think we need to know that it’s okay to respect ourselves enough to walk away from anything that is toxic. People I know who have done horrible things are good people. In their hearts they are good. They are just lost. Sometimes so lost that the things they have done put them in jail…But I can find it in me to love them anyways because they are me, just a much more hurt version of me. Below is a powerful video by an author I admire who speaks so eloquently to this, a quote from the below video,
“I am a human being. Nothing human can be alien to me.’ If you can internalize at least a portion of that, you will never be able to say of a criminal act, ‘Oh, I couldn’t do that,’ — no matter how heinous a crime. If a human being did it, you have to say, ‘I have all the components that are in her or in him. I intend to use my energies constructively as opposed to destructively.’
If you can do that about the negative, just think what you can do about the positive! If a human being dreams a great dream, dares to love somebody, if a human being dares to be Martin King or Mahatma Ghandi or Mother Teresa or Malcom X, if a human being dares to be bigger than the condition into which she or he was born, it means: So can you! And so, you can try to stretch! Stretch! Stretch yourself!”
I don’t believe in bad people. Just hurt people that hurt people. And that’s what we have to remember…we can stop this awful cycle if we respond in kindness. It’s not easy. I struggle with it constantly, but I hope that one day I can look at a person who has been hurting me for years and just think “Okay, I love you. I hope you stop hurting,” and mean it with everything that is inside of me.
Softening your armour
All that matters is how you treat people, including yourself. Two quotes I love: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Marianne Williamson and “What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts.” - The Last Kiss (2006). If I’m not kind to people, what’s the point? I don’t want the way I live to add to someone else’s burdens, and I don’t see the value in a life in which my happiness is the only one I truly care about. It’s made all the difference. An act of kindness that doesn’t cost me much could mean the world to someone.
You’re never too important to be nice to people. Be kind and respectful to everyone regardless of their title. We all have a job to do. I’m sure many of us have been advised to pay attention to the red flag if our date is rude to the waiters. Similarly in office, if you want to know what someone is truly like, take a good look at how they treat their inferiors, not equals. Chances are people are noticing how you interact and treat your direct reports or those inferior to your role and it’s speaking to your character and building your reputation.
Focus on being of service. “When you learn, teach, when you get, give.’” - Maya Angelou. No degree holds merit without being able to help others with the knowledge you gained and I couldn’t care less about the great work you do if it’s not founded on values. Often when we think about our talents and purpose, our focus can be on achieving success in the form of recognition and reward, and little on actually giving back and creating lasting impact. If we shifted our focus, naturally we would become kinder, gentler and essentially more efficient. This ego-less approach allows us to build stronger connections and relationships because the impact of our service is at the heart of what we do.
Heal whole-fully. As I was doing my usual morning run (plugged into Nike Run Club Headspace) one of the lines resonated with me, “Healing yourself is returning to your full, natural state”. Self care can't be bought. Real self-care is a series of tough decisions. The decision to be more disciplined, to address your reoccurring toxic thoughts, to prioritize your mental health and to put your happiness over your history. Before you extend your kindness to others, you need to fully take care of yourself and heal. As someone who is recovering from PTSD, something I had heard that rang true for me was, "Healing from trauma is understanding that the war is over even if you can never again remove your armour.” However, you can dress you armour however you choose and certain wounds that ran deep that I thought I’d never recover from did eventually heal and I was able to move on. Even evolve into happier than before. Knowing this helps me keep going during my darkest days because I’ve made it through a lot and I can live through much more. I’ve been shattered and pieced myself back together, and each time it’s made me stronger.
Going to therapy is badass. Dealing with your demons head-on is so much tougher than pretending they don’t exist. Your anxieties, your depression, the moments you feel “the bad” breathing on your neck – they are deserving of recognition. You do not need to pretend, to hide, to sweep any of your ghosts away. They are also as worthy of love and attention as anybody else’s – just because the world chooses to outwardly sympathize with someone else does not diminish your own. You do not need to be loud about it. You do not need to be quiet about it. You do not need to be anything. The right people – whether it be a single person or an entire tribe – whether it be your own mother or a thousand strangers – the right people will stay and be there on both the days you want to talk about it and the days your walls cave in. But please notice these people and even on your darkest days, in your emptiest moments, remember that they are human. They aren’t perfect. They will falter, their patience may run thin, they do have thresholds and it is in those exact moments when we need to be there for ourselves the most – to do so, we need to be there for those who have chosen us day in and day out. We need to choose them back even when we find it difficult to choose ourselves. If after 14 years of writing and blogging about love and I still don’t know what love is – this is the closest thing I know it to be. Because I have loved and lost so many good people out of my own failure to practice self-love and self-kindness.
Read The Egg Story. I have sent this story to so many people and I come back to read this time and time again. Just a wild concept. For me this helps me build compassion and connection to everyone around me, making it that much easier to respond with kindness.
